Staying
by BetherdyBabe
Summary: When words run wild. Rodney's thoughts best him and it causes pain for the both of them. Darker than my normal oneshots.


A/N: This fanfiction was first inspired by Dani's words italicized below. It was then enhanced by an overall depressed mood a bit ago. You've been warned, it's very different from my normal bubbly, fluffy pieces. And as an assurance, I still love McKeller and always will.

Oh, and I promise I'm working on creating the best Fluffy Clouds ending possible for those that answered my request. I'm still in the process of cleaning out my word documents.

And now the insightful quote that started it all:

"_In marriage, you fall in and out of love all the time."_ ~ DaniWilder

No Love is Forever

The clock was lying. It couldn't be midnight already. That meant he had already spent two hours in the lab after yelling at Jennifer.

A sigh flew past his lips. This really wasn't how he wanted the night to go. It had started nicely with Jen arriving and giving him a peck on the cheek as he got up to meet her at the door. _A fairly insincere peck at that._

She had gotten home three hours later than normal, had no doubt run late with the last of the surgeries for SGA-4. _Or stayed late_ _to chat with Ronon again. _

_Still, _his mind wavered, _I shouldn't have yelled at her. I shouldn't… It's her fault anyhow, isn't it? _His eyebrows shifted dangerously, from scrunched up in frustration to aghast from his own suggestion. How had it gone this far? He put his head down on the metal desk, wincing only once from the cold surface. For a genius, he did some pretty stupid things. But it's not like he could go back to their quarters now, not after yelling at her as he had.

She'd never forgive him.

Maybe she shouldn't.

But he still had to try. She was the best thing to happen to him in his life. Besides maybe discovering his massive intelligence, that _was_ a pretty important step in his life. No, no, she was it. She was everything that embodied him. So why had he snapped at her? Jealousy, dominance, suspicion, the list went on and on – none of them justifying.

_Go. Before it's too late. You messed things up with Katie but Jennifer's different. You're different. _

His conscious did everything short of pulling his wheeled chair out from under him; the one stable thing besides the table he could keep a hold of with his wavering emotions.

He didn't remember giving the command but his feet lifted him off the trusty chair and carried him uncertainly to the door. For the first time in his life, his mind became one-tracked. What if she leaves just like Katie? In all honesty in the deserted lab, he barely even noticed her disappearance. Granted he had jumped into his work after that near death experience. But he needed Jennifer. And she needed him. At least he hoped.

_Find her._ His conscious broke through his musings again and this time it motivated him; gave him the push he needed to get down the hall and to the transporter. Determination lined each step as he reached their door and palmed it open. They hadn't spent their already limited time chiming the bell for months since moving in. It was minor but had become their understanding. If the door opened without a chime, the other was home. No need for guesswork. It was just guessing when they were already home that was the hard part. Especially with the room dimmed as low as it was.

It wasn't a sight but a sound that first alluded to another person within the room. He just violently hoped the sound wasn't made how he quickly hypothesized it was. But then he heard it again and it sent him stumbling to the bed in the dark.

In only a moment he had located her crumpled outline and pulled her flush against his chest, wrapping his arms around her entire upper frame that her trapped arms could do no more than grip each other fiercely before movement was restricted altogether. "Jennifer, Jen, I'm so sorry."

Another soul-tearing sob ripped through her chest and arms, transferring to his in a matter of seconds.

"Me-Me too. Please, I'm sorry too." The voice passed through her lips but had none of the qualities of Jennifer Keller. It was cracked and broken past repair while her usual angelic tone could get him out of any of his moods.

_What could she possibly have to apologize for? _"No, no, no, don't you dare apologize for any of this. You hear me?" He spoke right next to her ear, still holding her beyond what would normally count as comfortable.

And he'd hold her until this was through or she pushed him away. He wouldn't stand to see her slumped inward on the bed crying again.

Finally she pushed on his arms, alarming him as she insistently demanded to be released. As he loosened his arms, she turned and pressed herself into his chest with tears stinging her eyes and his neck. "Please, Rodney, don't go. Please don't go." Her tears, words, and voice all begged him to stay as if he was the one in danger of leaving.

"Where would I go? I should be the one stopping you from leaving." Circles were rubbed across her shoulders and down her upper arms just cradling her close against his torso as his thumbs massaged her stiffened muscles. The touch of his hands didn't even seem to warm her arms as the goose bumps from fear or the cold air in the room– he couldn't decide which – dotted her skin. He gave up the useless pursuit and instead brought his thumbs to the back of her cheeks to bring her head closer for a kiss to her messy, frizzed hair.

Her head shook fiercely and her hair trailed back and forth across his hands and her partially bare, trembling shoulders. "Not going anywhere," she whispered.

How those three words comforted him. He didn't truly believe them because the accusation he yelled at her earlier sure gave her a solid reason to pack up and leave not just his quarters but the galaxy. If anything the words cemented the knowledge he'd carried even through their argument.

He didn't deserve this. Not one moment of her hands clutching him close or her hair and breath warming his neck as her tears wet it. He'd caused this and for the most senseless reason known to him.

"I didn't mean it. Not a word." Though he had no right to offer them, she had to hear his thoughts and regrets over his flared temper.

Jennifer's only answer was another tear transferred to his moistened neck yet he continued, knowing she had heard him.

"That accusation was out of line. I realize I had no right to jump to the conclusion that you may always carry that 'what if' concerning…" he stopped and found he couldn't say his name, "_him_. I know you chose me," he paused, hearing his own words echo inside his head, "that you love me and saying otherwise was idiotic of me."

Her head lifted off his chest and neck and his hands instantly slid forward to eliminate her tears. The eyes before him, almost bloodshot red, released more and he hastened to keep up with them. But it didn't much matter; she could leave just like that and work this out on her own. Change her mind and say she agreed, he was to blame for this twisting of their emotions. How right she would be.

Instead her lips quivered once to let a stray tear slide past and she placed her hands on top of his, bringing them down and placing a small kiss on the palm of each.

She could have easily walked away from the pain he brought to everyone. His parents blamed him for their fights and eventually their divorce. His sister stopped talking to him for years when he refused to even come to her wedding because he had a thesis to finish on wormhole design. They were all right to blame him and leave. Yet here she was, whispering she was staying. The new option Jennifer had found and chosen scared him. Scared him to the point that for the first time in his life he didn't know what to do.

The easiest option would entail leaving, allow her to come to her senses and create a life independent of him. How much better off she would be. Looking in her eyes again, he found he couldn't do that to her. If he had to break her heart, he'd at least be there when it happened. She deserved that much.


End file.
